Voldemort and the Death Eaters
by LibertineQueen
Summary: Follow the day-to-day antics of Voldemort and his Death Eaters! Total crack!fic.
1. Snape's Bathtub Blues

**Voldemort and the Death Eaters**

**Chapter One:** **Snape's Bathtub Blues**

On one particularily boring day at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Severus Snape noticed something strange. He'd been wallowing in his claw-footed bathtub for the past hour, hair washed (He certainly didn't think he warranted the title 'greasy git') and wrapped up in a turban with one of his favourite fluffy towels. A chocolate mudmask rested on his face, drying and cracking as he chuckled to himself.

You see, the Headmaster didn't know it, but two weeks ago Snape had stolen his personal memoirs. He was taking a great deal of delight in mocking them.

_'May 16th,_

_I, Albus Dumbledore, awoke this afternoon to find I had received a new email message. I took the liberty of installing the…'internet' after I heard several muggle-born students talking about the miracle that is 'Ebay'. I must remember to order those maroon robes from Flantley Fawless' account….. Anyway, there I was sucking merrily on a lollipop when a most disturbing message arrived from young Tom Riddle. _

_It read: 'Go die, Dumbledore. GO DIE!'_

_I must say I was quite offended…'_

Admittedly, Snape didn't really understand half of what the Headmaster was talking about. He tossed aside the journal with a sigh, wondering what on earth Dumbledore had meant by 'the internet' anyway. And what did The Dark Lord have to do with it? He certainly didn't seem to be the kind to engage in such activities. Although it did explain why Nott had suddenly become addicted to something mysterious called 'LiveJournal,'. No wonder the bastard hadn't replied to the owls he'd sent.

Sinking further back into the hot, lavender scented bathwater, Severus frowned.

He could feel something moving.

It was an unusual sensation that seemed to emanate from the bath itself, and it wasn't until he saw the bright, white light that he realized what was happening. Gasping, Snape felt himself being thrown into the air whilst still submerged in the tub, the space around him whizzing by, as if he were falling. He gripped the edge of the bath, head reeling. As he felt the water surrounding him seemed to leap upwards out of the tub, disintegrating before his very eyes.

The bathtub, once a priceless Slytherin heirloom, hurtled to the ground, landing with a crash on white, shag carpet. It took him a few minutes before he realized where he was.

"AH! Severus!" Voldemort clapped his hands together happily. "My plan succeeded!"

Rather conscious of his nude state (and the silliness of it all) Snape pulled off the towel that was drying his luscious locks and wrapped it around his middle. It was tiny. He dare not get out of the tub.

"Plan, my Lord?"

"Didn't Lucius fax you?" A glare was sent swiftly at his blonde compadre. "I turned your bathtub into a Portkey; when inside for over an hour the user is transported directly to our hideout!"

"And what purpose does this serve?"

Voldemort grinned. "Don't play the fool with me, Severus! You know as well as I do that the old fool Dumbledore would like nothing more than to bathe in that beautiful tub of yours."

The Death Eaters applauded, although at what Snape didn't know.

"And because he's SUCH a doddering imebecile he'll likely fall asleep. AND THEN WE WILL HAVE HIM!"

The room erupted with cheers. "But sir, this measure is highly inconvenient for myself and I-"

"No buts about it. Nobody can tell you bathe anyway, so what's the use of doing it at all? Stay natural, I say."

Yes. Well that was all very well for somebody with no hair, Severus thought.

"Now get out of my site, boys! Come Dine With Me is on and I don't want to miss it!"

Voldemort had settled himself on the large, black sofa in front of the TV as the other members of his fabulous, yet evil society filed upstairs to their bedrooms. All except Lucius, who had transfigured a pillow into a bathrobe and tossed it over to his friend.

Snape nodded his thanks, concealing his anger at the whole situation by turning his back as he pulled the blasted thing on. It was soft. Too soft.

"Why Severus, I do believe you tried the lavender crystals I sent you for your bath. How did they fair?" Lucius stepped forward and visibly purred, nostrils flaring as he caught a whiff of the scent.

Which, by the way, Snape had only tried out of curiousity. He had no intentions of ever using them again. Nope. None. It was exactly why he had procured the recipe….so he could AVOID ever having to come face to face with them again. As he clambered out of the tub, he sensed movement, and turned to find that it had vanished behind him. He was surprised it hadn't smashed to bits. It must have been charmed. Now that was good quality Slytherin merchandise for you.

"BOYSSSSS! Tonight's host is a Vegetarian! All the other guests will be mad because there's no meat! They're going to argue, I can tell. Now _get out_ so I can concentrate!" Voldemort screamed from his place by the TV, causing Lucius to squeal and drag Snape out of the room with him.


	2. In which Voldemort buys a puppy

**Voldemort and the Death Eaters**

**Chapter Two: In which Voldemort buys a puppy**

* * *

"Minions! I have called you here on a most urgent and secret matter."

Voldemort stood at the head of the long, dining-room table. He addressed his Death Eaters with a smile, looking from face-to-face. He had appropriated Malfoy Manor as his new super-secret-and-evil headquarters, or as he liked to call it: The hideout.

"After much thought and careful deliberation, I have decided to purchase …a puppy!"

As he spoke he flourished his wand for effect, after which followed much excited whispering and talking amongst his followers. He silenced them with a simple turn of the head.

"I shall call it …Albus!" He erupted into laughter. He had spent the whole night thinking up that name. His room was littered with pieces of paper on which he had written his ideas, including such names as 'Spike' and 'Twinkles'.

"But my lord, where will we find the animal?" Severus 'Sensible' Snape spoke up, causing Voldemort to roll his eyes.

"My dear Severus, always questioning me!" He waggled a finger. "We'll go to the pet-shop of course!"

…

When Voldemort had said 'pet-shop', Snape hadn't expected he'd meant a muggle shop.

They'd gotten there by Death-Eatermobile, a highly embarrassing form of transportation that Voldemort had designed and commissioned himself. It was a series of broomsticks attached together with metal poles, set-up two-by-two with a particularly magnificent looking broomstick at the front and center for the Dark Lord. It reminded Severus of the magical, flying version of a bus. Except that it was highly impractical and far more embarrassing than he'd possibly imagined. Voldemort had insisted he'd taken a broom next to Bellatrix, with Lucius and Narcissa behind them. Severus had the headache of all headaches, and the couple had argued about tea-cosies for the entire duration of the journey.

The Death-Eatermobile was parked in an alleyway behind the shop, and Crabbe and Goyle Sr were commanded to stay behind and guard it. The two of them visibly shrank. They had hoped to see the rabbits.

To add to the ridiculousness of the whole thing, Voldemort had refused Snape's suggestion that they at least wear muggle-clothing. In fact he had insisted they all look as wizard-y as possible.

"He loves to see the muggles scared!" Bellatrix had cackled, attempting to embrace the Dark Lord, who instead of reciprocating pushed her to the floor and continued trying to beat Draco's high-score on Ms. Pacman.

As they swished down onto the street in their robes, it occurred to Snape that they probably looked like some kind of satanic cult. He also noticed that in direct sunlight Voldemort almost looked blue.

The shop itself was actually smaller than everyone had anticipated, to the point where Lucius found himself pressed up against the fish-tanks, and Bellatrix next to a particularly nosy parrot.

"Where are the puppies? WHERE ARE THEY?" Voldemort slammed his fist against the counter, making the young clerk behind it jump. The boy was so frightened he didn't appear able to speak. Several moments of awkward silence passed. It was in this silence that they were suddenly able to hear the yapping and growling coming from the back room. Voldemort grinned from ear-to-ear at the noise before disappearing into the room and coming back a few moments later with a small, white poodle in his arms. He held it like a baby and cooed at it. Snape thought he was going to be sick.

…

They arrived home with boxes of toys and snacks for Voldemort's beloved Albus. The Dark Lord himself had selected a basket (Slytherin colours of course) and now placed it lovingly at the foot of his sofa.

Yes, The Dark Lord had his own personal sofa. No other member was permitted to sit there. Once, Lucius had forgotten this rule and was forced to walk around the hideout with bright orange hair for a month. He had wept and cried, but no one could escape the Dark Lord's wrath.

Ironically, most of Voldemort's punishments were hair-related. Snape wondered if it was actually just his way of expressing his bitterness at having no hair himself. Not a single one of them had dared go near the sofa since. They'd also learned to avoid the cookie-jar shaped like a panda, and the rubber-duck in the bathroom.

The Dark Lord did not share toys.

Except in the case of the dog, apparently.

For a puppy Albus had proved himself well-suited to Voldemort's lifestyle. They watched tv together, they laughed and yapped maniacally together, they even spent hours destroying newspaper pictures of Harry Potter together.

But Voldemort's all-time favourite pastime with his best friend was dress-up. He had bought himself and Albus matching outfits: cowboys, 1940s gangsters, clowns…you name it, Voldemort had it. He'd even gotten Bellatrix to start taking photographs, posed in front of backdrops Narcissa had painted. By the end of the first week Voldemort had already put up a wall that he called 'Albus and Me.'

Snape wondered if the Dark Lord was just lonely, or if he had gone completely out of his mind.


End file.
